Archive for March, 2008

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Posted in Exposition with tags , , , , on March 30, 2008 by sevenstrings

I got married

in 1984.

I signed the divorce papers

last Friday.

Here Comes the Groom

On our wedding day, >½* was 3 months pregnant (with our daughter, ∞**, who just turned 23). We had decided it would be a lot easier on our parents — mine, mainly — if we went ahead and got hitched. was less than thrilled at the prospect of marriage, not because she wasn’t happy to be with me, glorious me, or the prospect of having me love, honor, and obey her forever, but because she’d already been married once, disastrously, and couldn’t help but at least partially believe the Institution itself was to blame.

Besides, we already considered ourselves married. I wasn’t going anywhere; neither was she. We were ecstatic about our baby and excited about building a life together. And we were deeply in love.

So, reservations notwithstanding, gave me her hand in marriage. She would not, however, agree to a big ceremony with all the trappings; she’d done that, and had the idea that six white horses and Luther Vandross and a gazebo and hand-written vows translated into High Latin (or whatever the particulars were) had somehow contributed to her first marriage’s swift downfall. Instead, we met at the courthouse on her lunch break, clerks and secretaries for witnesses. The judge was very disapproving of me, as if this driest of all possible weddings was my idea. I did nothing to disabuse him of the idea — I knew how tough this was on and so I kept my peace.

Thus were we married.

The Blushing Bride

Oh, is such a beautiful woman! There’s no way in hell I’m going to divulge her age, hahaha, but if you saw her you’d never guess how old she is — shoot, I’ll bet you’d be off by 15 or 20 years. We’re close in age, but when I brought her home to meet my parents so many years ago, my Dad took me aside and said, “Son, how old IS ?”

If you’re married, or have been, you know how incredibly irrelevant good-lookin’ often is in the progression of a relationship, but, well, it doesn’t necessarily hurt, either. But in the arc of conjugal connection, as the days turn to weeks and the weeks to months and then years, much more fundamental characteristics prove their worth. was (and is) a woman of exceptional quality: adventurous, tough, sweet, smart, honest, resolute, hard-working, fiercely loyal, organized, helpful, compassionate… a great partner, as we say these days. And as if I wasn’t lucky enough, I’d also married a great cook and a wonderful lover.

History, Herstory

and I met in a bar. She was a waitress and I was the bass player in a cover band doing a 3 week stint there. I think what she noticed and liked about me — besides my great tush, hahaha — was the way I often came into the club during the day when she worked and tweaked and fiddled with my gear. We’re both workaholics, diligent to sometimes absurd degrees, but the truth is I was showing up during her hours mainly to see her.

We were together for a year and a half, something like that, before we got pregnant, then married, and all through that time I kept working in cover bands, soullessly but profitably. One Sunday night, when she was maybe 7 months along, I came home from a gig and announced that henceforward I would no longer play cover music, and would devote myself only to original music.

Well that amounted to a vow of poverty — not the best news I could deliver to my beautiful bride, great with child. And if she’d said, “Are you crazy? Get back to work, we’ve got bills to pay,” you know what? I would’ve done exactly as commanded, and without rancor. You can’t argue with the facts, and what I was offering (as usual) was an emotional argument, which amounted to something like this: I’m bringing a child into the world, and I want to be a father she can admire, and if I’m gonna be a musician (and I am), I wanna be a musician with integrity.

’s immediate reaction? Do it. We’ll figure it out.

And I did. And we did.

Like I said, lucky.

So we started successful businesses together, we traveled a good deal, we raised the most fantastic kid, and for many years we had a very good marriage. But there were little things, always, right from the beginning. For my part, I am a profoundly distracted individual. I mostly exist in my own little cosmos, hardly aware of the real world, already in progress. Beyond that I suspect a lot of really good musicians are at least a little OCD, and just plain nuts, to boot. In any case I certainly am. I’m also self-centered, self-involved, a moron, and a schmuck. I could go on and on, and I shall (see Wretched Attributes for an ongoing enumeration), unsparingly, but for now let it suffice to say this is not in any way a That Fuckin Bitch memoir, and most (but not all) of the blame for our finally failed union, if that’s the way of it (and really it ain’t) belongs with me.

For ’s part, she came from a pretty dysfunctional family (who’s isn’t, I know, but her was REALLY) — abandoned by her father very young, and later her roguish and rough and impulsive step dad was thrown in jail, disastrously for her mother and 3 younger brothers — so it’s fair to say, with men, she has profound issues of trust to this day.

As time went by and got older, I went back out on the road, full time, in pursuit of my own artistic, ah, musical, okay, selfish goals. There were years when I was gone hundreds of days a year. In all those years, in all those towns, in all those countries, I never once cheated on her. Although there were certainly temptations, I kept to my vows. I’m no saint! There were times more than a little luck was involved, if you want to call it that. I do. But I wanted to be married, and I wanted to be true. And I wanted her to be true to me. Ain’t but one way that’s even remotely reasonable.

(You know, I’ve never asked if she was faithful, and I never will. I think she was, and if she wasn’t it surely doesn’t matter now. Even in the moment I would’ve been hard-pressed to judge — look, I was on the road, all the time, looking for god knows what. What’s the phrase? Oh, yeah! It’s complicated.)

Love on the Rocks

But a successful marriage isn’t the absence of infidelity. What started as little seedlings of turmoil (for her, mistrust, jealousy, issues of abandonment; for me, heedlessness, poor understanding, incomplete communication, self-absorption, etcetera, ad infinitum) grew to mighty redwoods of discontent and strife as the years went by.

Here is my advice for you, young lovers, where ever you are: those little things? All those little things? They must be addressed. That is not to say they must be solved, ’cause there ain’t no solving being human. But the door of discourse has to be wide open, dig? Keep talking, but more to the point, keep listening. and keep feeling. That’s it, hahaha, that’s all I’ve got.

But it’s pretty good.

Then one evening, about 9 years ago, about 15 years into our marriage, I was standing in the dining room, was in the kitchen, and we were having that argument — you know the one, the pointless, circular, no new terms, no surrender, no comprehension argument — and I had an epiphany. As clear as any inner voice has ever spoken to me, I heard these words:

This woman will never find happiness with you.

I would’ve stayed in that marriage forever. That was the vow. Until death do I part. And I meant it.

But when I realized this woman that I loved was completely miserable, I could offer no remedy in staying, and in fact it was my presence that stood in the way of any chance she might have at happiness — just like that, I knew what to do.

I left that night. Almost insane with grief I checked into a La Quinta (that’s Spanish for ‘next to Denny’s’) by the freeway, and began the desperately difficult task of setting my love free of me.

It’s not like I was happy in the relationship. By that point our best moments together were a sort of solemn truce state, mainly motivated by respect for our teenage daughter. For me, happiness has always been in my work, or if you prefer, my obsessions. In music I have almost always found complete solace. I wasn’t being brave or noble. In an almost unprecedented moment in my life, before or since, I was actually being practical. Did I love her? Oh, yes. Is love at least partly a wish for another’s joy, regardless of what that might entail? It oughtta be.

The worst thing was telling my daughter. For all my ex’s innumerable qualities, I’ve always been the nurturer in our little clan. and I went for a drive, I explained what was happening, and it was awful. But told me years later her memory of us was always fighting, which isn’t how we remember it at all, but still — it’s telling, isn’t it?

Marital Bliss

Not long after I moved out, and I had a long talk about and what we should try to impart to her from the wreckage. We decided to get together regularly, say like after school — cook, eat, talk, hang, be. We thought it’d be a tough thing to do, but worth it — if we could avoid the hatred and destructive aftermath we’d already seen many other couples go through, if we could somehow remain a family, at least for appearances’ sake, at least for our beloved daughter, then it was worth every effort.

Much to our surprise, it wasn’t that much effort. In fact, it felt good. We’d become a family; throwing that away, or poisoning it, made no sense. We enjoyed each other’s company, we looked out for each other, we covered for each other in the way of parents everywhere with nutty schedules, and simply remained family. All the love was there. It had simply changed form.

And that’s how it is, to this day. Last Christmas we all met up in the faraway city where both my daughter and my sister live, and we had the greatest time.

My D-I-V-O-R-C-E Became Final — Today

At some point, reading this, you might be thinking, waitaminnit, did he say he signed the divorce papers last Friday? But didn’t he just say they broke up 9 years ago?

Well, somehow we never got around to the divorce thing, hahaha. There was a tax advantage, definitely, but mainly it was this: what made us a married couple was never decree or ceremony, and what made us UNmarried wasn’t a document or a lawyer’s bill. You know when you’re married. And you know when you ain’t.

Finally, though, the tax advantages (it’s a paltry reason, I know) came to an end as our daughter grew to beautiful womanhood, and so, last Friday (after taking care of this year’s tax business), began hemming and hawing and prefacing, and I said, “Hey, are we getting a divorce?”

Startled, she said, “How did you know?”

“Hell, Baby,” I said, laughing, “we’ve been married for 23 years!”

So we went to the bank and found a notary who witnessed our marriage’s dissolution. had thoughtfully done all the paperwork (I’m typing that without a trace of sarcasm; it takes me months if not years to accomplish the slightest bureaucratic tasks, something in me just shuts down). We were being silly, happy — it felt really good, you know? — like a corner being turned. I think we both suddenly felt a sense of possibility, hahaha.

One more story. On the way out of my apartment, on the way to get our papers notarized, we ran into ’s best friend forever. She was a second daughter to us, and as such she knows all about us and our history. I told her what we were up to, and she laughed, and said, “You guys are the happiest couple I know!”

May all your marriages last forever in perfect harmony. And if they don’t, may you find a path to peace and lovingness.

* Better half; my future ex-wife.

** Our daughter, who has our infinite love.

Wretched Attribute #1

Posted in Wretched Attributes on March 26, 2008 by sevenstrings

Fork in the Road Funny thing, this blogging.

Three posts in and I’m already sensing the network of trails each post suggests. I compose (poorly), I write songs (badly), I struggle with fiction, I mangle poesy, I draw and sculpt artlessly. The point here isn’t my talent (or lack of it), but rather to say I’m at least acquainted with the creative process, okay?

Here’s the thing about that process: your choices narrow as you proceed. At a gig last night the singer tossed me a solo on that old Cindy Walker and Eddie Arnold tune “You Don’t Know Me,” starting on the bridge

I never knew the art of making love
though my heart aches with love for you
afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
the chance that you might love me too

and winding all the way through another verse. Well, we play this tune in the key of C and so the bridge starts on an F major chord, moves up to an F#° chord, down to a C major, then a C#°, and so on. I had the brilliant idea of pedaling on a C through the whole opening cycle, bouncing on the octave. I thought it would have a sort of melancholy aspect, static against motion, you understand. Good on paper, haha, but for whatever reason (poor phrasing, I suppose) it just didn’t sound good (always a good musical test, hahaha) — but just like that, I was on a path, you see? My choices had narrowed dramatically, and my solo became about something else all the sudden — namely, redeeming a weak start.

 

Which brings me to the topic of the day, Wretched Attribute #1 — wretched attributes will be a recurring subject in my postings, and believe me, I’ve got lots and lots of them — so where do I start? With my worst trait? My least wretched attribute? You know, the warm fuzzy kind you might even find likable? Or something in the middle? By choosing I set the path and tone for future blogs, and a year from now I might really wish for more freedom. Or a stronger arc to the thing. Who knows?

Not me, but by structural accident (I hope it turns out better than that solo last night!) I arrive at Wretched Attribute #1:

uh… indecisiveness?

I’d like to pass this off as a Libra trait, as dubious as I am about such things, but the truth is I am as a pinball bouncing between the flappers and bumpers of existence. Not on everything — I mean, I’m gonna take the bullet meant for you, I’ll instinctively knock you out of the way of the bus and go under the tires myself — hell! I’ve done it! — but that’s because that’s just the right thing to do, no thinking required. And by the time I get to Wretched Attribute #10,439, you’ll wholeheartedly agree that’s exactly what I oughtta do.

Lemme see if I can come up with a good example…

Okay, here’s one:

About a year ago several really interesting opportunities presented themselves. Pursuing any one of them would’ve been good — for the world and for me, but in a state of absolutely pointless, self-involved depression,* I couldn’t decide which to go after, and thus dithered and quaked about until I was left with the least appealing, the least interesting of all the options. It was something, yes, but adventure! romance! world transformation! — all sorts of amazing possibilities were left to lie in the muddy storm ditch by the side of the road. Of life.

Worse yet, now I realize I could have easily followed 2 or 3 of those options — who knows where’s I’d be now?

It’d be one thing if I could say I dithered only under a blanket of depression, but alas I’m liable to vacillate even in the cheerfullest of moods, paralyzed, as it were, by my perception of the sheer plurality of attendant possiblity.

Sheesh.

Here’s some of what what I’ve learned, and what I hope airing it out here will help me to remember:

  • Yes I want to make good choices, but good choices are often missed by overthinking;
  • What makes a choice good is often the commitment I make to that choice;
  • I can do a lot of things, but I can only do one thing at a time (I’m like an ambitious juggler with zero chops; lotsa pins in the air, lotsa pins on the floor, and nothing in my hands).

 

Oh, it’s late. Should I practise a little or go straight to bed? Should I post this now or in the morning? Should I pay that traffic ticket I can’t afford or wait for the cops to arrest me? Should I have described the options I enjoyed a year ago?

Sigh.

 

 

*Another day, another entry, another wretched attribute.

MACRO to micro

Posted in Prelude on March 24, 2008 by sevenstrings

koa.jpg I’m going to step back

from trying to wrap my arms (and tiny brain) around millennial shifts in consciousness and grapple with something much smaller — namely, how I propose to effect changes in my own consciousness. Whether or not people can change is an ancient question, maybe one of the first questions. It’s a question that begs a million other questions, of course, but you know as well as I do they’re all dodges. You know what I mean. I know what I mean:

I suck. I wanna be a better person.

Here’s the deal. I’m a 50 year old man and I’ve painted myself into a spiritual corner. I’ve crawled out on a very frail psychological limb. I’ve taken hairpin psychic curves way too fast and I’m flying off the Mountain of Meaning.

Yeah, it’s like that.

Let me leap in immediately and tell you that this blog is NOT about working through my midlife crisis; I did that 10 years ago, hahaha. What this blog IS about is forcing my hand, so to speak: I’ve been looping on circular questions for over a year now, getting nowhere. Nowhere is where I’ve been — nowhere man is who I am. I want to be somewhere man.

Thinking it through isn’t working so well for me. If thinking is head on fist, butt on rock, brain working until conclusions are reached, I’m not a very good thinker. I feel (I’m a good feeler!) like I need to somehow turn this endless, droning monologue into a dialog, but don’t want to drag my friends into it:

I don’t have that many friends.

I don’t want to strain my friendships with tiresome existential crap. And it’s painful to see the tears in their eyes as they try to restrain yawns.

And guess what, I can’t afford therapy.

So! A blog! HAHA! Perfect! I can talk to you, you are free to read or not, you may beat the holy crap out of me or ignore me as you choose, and I get to work this stuff out honestly, openly, and outside of my poor addled skull… and you know? Maybe it’ll work! Maybe it’ll help! And if it does, maybe there’ll be something here that might help you!

Because I sense already the real key to all this lies exactly OUTSIDE of me.

Okay, then, how’m I gonna do it? How am I gonna change?

One wretched attribute at a time…

Opening chords

Posted in Prelude with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2008 by sevenstrings

The Speech

I’m starting this personal journey in a (semi) public place with Senator Obama’s speech on race. Most likely you’ve already checked it out, but if you haven’t, or if you’ve only heard about it, here it is (see below, or click on ‘Overture’ to the right). You can watch it. You can listen to it. You can read it. I hope you’ll do all three; it’s a remarkable and historic speech. The course of U.S. history has often turned on great speeches (“I Have a Dream“, Roosevelt’s First Inaugural, Kennedy’s Inaugural, Eisenhower’s farewell, Lincoln’s Second Inaugural, the Gettysburg Address, and so on). Some stand out in my memory — several of Dr. King’s, Robert Kennedy’s words when King was assassinated, and yes, Reagan’s speech after the first shuttle disaster.

If you somehow decide it’s worth reading my entries here, it won’t take you long to guess my political leanings, which are nuanced and profound and inarguably correct, hahaha, but let me point out there’s three Republicans, three Democrats and a pastor in the above list. Obama’s amazing speech belongs in the tradition of great American oration, a tradition which is at once political, literary, poetic, and almost invariably religious.

But what makes a history-changing speech isn’t merely eloquence. Timing, as always, is everything, and alignment is requisite. Black liberation theology, racism, white folk’s resentment, black rage, the crucial (starting to see why?) separation of church and state, extreme distrust of government — how do these elements align? Why now? What does this mean?

13 Months Earlier

I saw Obama here in Austin last year, at the beginning of all this. He was as surprised as we were, I think, to see thousands thronging in rain and cold on a weekday (we Austinites are notoriously wimpy in the face of even vaguely inclement weather, yet there we all were). Huge crowds have become the norm at Obama rallies, but our fair city, so often a predictor, was one of the first to manifest this. Waiting to hear him speak (and joyously listening to Cyrille Neville), I was expecting fire and hyperbole and soaring rhetoric and a good cathartic wring-out, but what happened was altogether different: a calm, reasoned, intelligent, jocular, relaxed, and oddly personal speech. I kept thinking of Abraham Lincoln, ‘though I’m not quite old enough to remember him. I can’t stress enough that I didn’t bike over to this rally on Town Lake 13 months ago thinking I would get Lincoln from this, ah, Hawaii-born Kansyan, hahaha. I missed his speech at the Democratic Convention; in fact I had never heard him speak. I certainly had expectations, but they were far from Lincolnian. I was expecting fire; what I got was light. The ensuing months have continued to bear out this initial reaction. There has never been a candidate like this in my voting lifetime.

Right Now, ’bout Everyone’s Freaked

Which brings me back to timing, always central in a musician’s mind. Why now? What does this mean? I don’t know about you, but I hear eerily similar postulates to Reverend Wright’s from white people all the time. The perspective is a little different, but the essence is the same: the government is out to get us, it wants to drug us, squash us, spy on us in our bathrooms, and conquer the world for the sole benefit of Halliburton. Or a horde of illegal immigrants. Or the French. Or whomever.

It’s funny how quiet all the rightwingnuts and tubeheadedhackysackers who are much fringe-ier conpiracy theorists than the Reverend have been while this plays out… but look, it’s hardly a fringe idea that this government is — and has been, at least since Teddy Roosevelt’s time — murderous, imperialistic, willing to inflict great harm disproportionately on persons of color, and in place mainly to support huge financial interests. Against this backdrop of Government Gone Wild, Barack’s speech in the aftermath of Wright’s youtubization takes on a particular resonance.

Stay with me, here. Everyone is freaked out these days: is rage and distrust like the Reverend’s unusual in your circles? It’s not in mine, and the people I know come from all walks of life. If I had to renounce everyone I know that has ranted (irrationally or not) against the often monstrous behavior of our government, I’d be basically cutting myself off from all mankind, hahaha. (Let me distinguish, as we all should, between our government and our people. I assure you the Russian people want us to make a similar distinction; so do North Koreans, the French, the Uruguayans, and who knows, maybe even the Icelanders.) This widespread fear, distrust, and suspicion is the resonant and timely context of this great speech. There are plenty of good reasons to be suspicious; whether you’re Brown, White, Black, Asian, or (god knows) American Indian, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, or (buddha knows) Buddhist, you have plenty of reasons to be suspicious! Where does prudent end and paranoid begin, exactly? Obama’s message is that we have to talk to each other, and more importantly, we have to listen to each other. To do that, we’re going to have to put down ALL KINDS of baggage. And we’re going to have to stay put — not walk out, not renounce — when we hear things we don’t like, or with which we disagree. And if we DON’T stay put, in the pew or in the statehouse — if we continue to allow ideologues and extremists from all sides to shout us down, discourage us from participating by their sheer desperate ignorance and fear, then we may very well be literally doomed.

I Have Met the Enemy, and He is Us

The genius of Obama’s speech is that it shows us he lives in the same world we do. He knows that criticizing this country in the harshest terms is a right we ALL reserve for ourselves. He knows we don’t go around renouncing everyone for being nutty on one subject or another. He knows, or at least senses, that we can’t turn our backs on the shouters and haters, either. They are us, and we are them. Ever feel a little crazy? Ever felt hatred rush through you like a wild fever? Ever thought that whatever opposes you should simply cease to exist? That’s the reverend in you. That’s your Cheney talking. That’s your inner Fidel tossing dissenters in a dungeon. Your Kim Jong II. Your own personal terrorist, your own private torturer. These beasts within each and everyone of us thrive in darkness, not in light.

The first thing we might do to shine a light is find a few things out for ourselves. Question everything. Have you actually seen those sermons? To be fair, have you investigated Pastor John Hagee’s remarks? (I’m resisting the temptation to link you to YouTube, hahaha) Dig: both of these men have said some pretty awful things. But there’s more nuance to a human life than can be revealed in a youtube loop. I can think of a few (million) things I’ve said or done I’d hate to have looped to death without any context by content-starved cable news drones.

Black and white ain’t working, folks. I mean that in every possible way.

If You Live in This World, You’re Feelin a Change of the Guard

There is a shift of consciousness in the air, a changing of the guard. Hillary and Bill and John and all the forces amassed behind them don’t WANT to be irrelevant — and I sympathize, I really do. I don’t want to be irrelevant, either. This isn’t an age thing, though of course it will often manifest that way — we are in the first stages of the next generational wave, the millennial bump, a space/time wrinkle — whatever you want to call it, it’s happening. There is a fin de siècle dynamic even more powerful and portentious than the frightening events of the late 19th/early 20th century: the poisons of racism, sexism and demented religiosity (not just the Reverened Wright; it’s everywhere, it’s everywhere) demanding antidote before they kill the body politic, a terrifying vulnerability in the global economy, potentially cataclysmic climatic shift, oil and nukes and hatred in a desperate vortex in the Middle East, oh the list goes on and on — huge forces of destruction seem to be aligning. But so are equally massive forces of hope and confidence and a widespread belief there’s a different path higher and cleaner than the rut we’ve worn for ourselves. By taking on one intractable foe — racism — and viewing it not as an excuse for war but empathy, Obama’s speech has illuminated that path. It’s up to us to learn and apply the lesson.

You feel it, don’t you? At least a little bit?

I sure do, and that’s why this stupid, who cares, yet-another-worthless-blog that is really about personal transformation begins with a macro event — if changes of this monumental order (a Kenyan-Kansan, a woman, and an almost tolerable and reasonably {maybe} centrist Republican all vying for the POTUS gig? What?!) are possible, is it also possible one idiotic and doddering bass player who has made a complete mess of his life can transform? Transcend?

Dear and Constant Reader, that is what we’re gonna find out.

Peace.

Obama Speech: ‘A More Perfect Union’

Posted in Overture on March 20, 2008 by sevenstrings

Start Here.

Posted in Overture on March 18, 2008 by sevenstrings

The Speech

This is one of those speeches. Watch it. Read it. Think about it.

“We the people, in order to form a more perfect union.”

Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America’s improbable experiment in democracy. Farmers and scholars; statesmen and patriots who had traveled across an ocean to escape tyranny and persecution finally made real their declaration of independence at a Philadelphia convention that lasted through the spring of 1787.

The document they produced was eventually signed but ultimately unfinished. It was stained by this nation’s original sin of slavery, a question that divided the colonies and brought the convention to a stalemate until the founders chose to allow the slave trade to continue for at least twenty more years, and to leave any final resolution to future generations.

Of course, the answer to the slavery question was already embedded within our Constitution – a Constitution that had at is very core the ideal of equal citizenship under the law; a Constitution that promised its people liberty, and justice, and a union that could be and should be perfected over time.

And yet words on a parchment would not be enough to deliver slaves from bondage, or provide men and women of every color and creed their full rights and obligations as citizens of the United States. What would be needed were Americans in successive generations who were willing to do their part – through protests and struggle, on the streets and in the courts, through a civil war and civil disobedience and always at great risk – to narrow that gap between the promise of our ideals and the reality of their time.

This was one of the tasks we set forth at the beginning of this campaign – to continue the long march of those who came before us, a march for a more just, more equal, more free, more caring and more prosperous America. I chose to run for the presidency at this moment in history because I believe deeply that we cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together – unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction – towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.

This belief comes from my unyielding faith in the decency and generosity of the American people. But it also comes from my own American story.

I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather who survived a Depression to serve in Patton’s Army during World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I’ve gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one of the world’s poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slaveowners – an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles and cousins, of every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that in no other country on Earth is my story even possible.

It’s a story that hasn’t made me the most conventional candidate. But it is a story that has seared into my genetic makeup the idea that this nation is more than the sum of its parts – that out of many, we are truly one.

Throughout the first year of this campaign, against all predictions to the contrary, we saw how hungry the American people were for this message of unity. Despite the temptation to view my candidacy through a purely racial lens, we won commanding victories in states with some of the whitest populations in the country. In South Carolina, where the Confederate Flag still flies, we built a powerful coalition of African Americans and white Americans.

This is not to say that race has not been an issue in the campaign. At various stages in the campaign, some commentators have deemed me either “too black” or “not black enough.” We saw racial tensions bubble to the surface during the week before the South Carolina primary. The press has scoured every exit poll for the latest evidence of racial polarization, not just in terms of white and black, but black and brown as well.

And yet, it has only been in the last couple of weeks that the discussion of race in this campaign has taken a particularly divisive turn.

On one end of the spectrum, we’ve heard the implication that my candidacy is somehow an exercise in affirmative action; that it’s based solely on the desire of wide-eyed liberals to purchase racial reconciliation on the cheap. On the other end, we’ve heard my former pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright, use incendiary language to express views that have the potential not only to widen the racial divide, but views that denigrate both the greatness and the goodness of our nation; that rightly offend white and black alike.

I have already condemned, in unequivocal terms, the statements of Reverend Wright that have caused such controversy. For some, nagging questions remain. Did I know him to be an occasionally fierce critic of American domestic and foreign policy? Of course. Did I ever hear him make remarks that could be considered controversial while I sat in church? Yes. Did I strongly disagree with many of his political views? Absolutely – just as I’m sure many of you have heard remarks from your pastors, priests, or rabbis with which you strongly disagreed.

But the remarks that have caused this recent firestorm weren’t simply controversial. They weren’t simply a religious leader’s effort to speak out against perceived injustice. Instead, they expressed a profoundly distorted view of this country – a view that sees white racism as endemic, and that elevates what is wrong with America above all that we know is right with America; a view that sees the conflicts in the Middle East as rooted primarily in the actions of stalwart allies like Israel, instead of emanating from the perverse and hateful ideologies of radical Islam.

As such, Reverend Wright’s comments were not only wrong but divisive, divisive at a time when we need unity; racially charged at a time when we need to come together to solve a set of monumental problems – two wars, a terrorist threat, a falling economy, a chronic health care crisis and potentially devastating climate change; problems that are neither black or white or Latino or Asian, but rather problems that confront us all.

Given my background, my politics, and my professed values and ideals, there will no doubt be those for whom my statements of condemnation are not enough. Why associate myself with Reverend Wright in the first place, they may ask? Why not join another church? And I confess that if all that I knew of Reverend Wright were the snippets of those sermons that have run in an endless loop on the television and You Tube, or if Trinity United Church of Christ conformed to the caricatures being peddled by some commentators, there is no doubt that I would react in much the same way

But the truth is, that isn’t all that I know of the man. The man I met more than twenty years ago is a man who helped introduce me to my Christian faith, a man who spoke to me about our obligations to love one another; to care for the sick and lift up the poor. He is a man who served his country as a U.S. Marine; who has studied and lectured at some of the finest universities and seminaries in the country, and who for over thirty years led a church that serves the community by doing God’s work here on Earth – by housing the homeless, ministering to the needy, providing day care services and scholarships and prison ministries, and reaching out to those suffering from HIV/AIDS.

In my first book, “Dreams from My Father,” I described the experience of my first service at Trinity:

“People began to shout, to rise from their seats and clap and cry out, a forceful wind carrying the reverend’s voice up into the rafters….And in that single note – hope! – I heard something else; at the foot of that cross, inside the thousands of churches across the city, I imagined the stories of ordinary black people merging with the stories of David and Goliath, Moses and Pharaoh, the Christians in the lion’s den, Ezekiel’s field of dry bones. Those stories – of survival, and freedom, and hope – became our story, my story; the blood that had spilled was our blood, the tears our tears; until this black church, on this bright day, seemed once more a vessel carrying the story of a people into future generations and into a larger world. Our trials and triumphs became at once unique and universal, black and more than black; in chronicling our journey, the stories and songs gave us a means to reclaim memories that we didn’t need to feel shame about…memories that all people might study and cherish – and with which we could start to rebuild.”

That has been my experience at Trinity. Like other predominantly black churches across the country, Trinity embodies the black community in its entirety – the doctor and the welfare mom, the model student and the former gang-banger. Like other black churches, Trinity’s services are full of raucous laughter and sometimes bawdy humor. They are full of dancing, clapping, screaming and shouting that may seem jarring to the untrained ear. The church contains in full the kindness and cruelty, the fierce intelligence and the shocking ignorance, the struggles and successes, the love and yes, the bitterness and bias that make up the black experience in America.

And this helps explain, perhaps, my relationship with Reverend Wright. As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me. He strengthened my faith, officiated my wedding, and baptized my children. Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect. He contains within him the contradictions – the good and the bad – of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.

I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother – a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.

These people are a part of me. And they are a part of America, this country that I love.

Some will see this as an attempt to justify or excuse comments that are simply inexcusable. I can assure you it is not. I suppose the politically safe thing would be to move on from this episode and just hope that it fades into the woodwork. We can dismiss Reverend Wright as a crank or a demagogue, just as some have dismissed Geraldine Ferraro, in the aftermath of her recent statements, as harboring some deep-seated racial bias.

But race is an issue that I believe this nation cannot afford to ignore right now. We would be making the same mistake that Reverend Wright made in his offending sermons about America – to simplify and stereotype and amplify the negative to the point that it distorts reality.

The fact is that the comments that have been made and the issues that have surfaced over the last few weeks reflect the complexities of race in this country that we’ve never really worked through – a part of our union that we have yet to perfect. And if we walk away now, if we simply retreat into our respective corners, we will never be able to come together and solve challenges like health care, or education, or the need to find good jobs for every American.

Understanding this reality requires a reminder of how we arrived at this point. As William Faulkner once wrote, “The past isn’t dead and buried. In fact, it isn’t even past.” We do not need to recite here the history of racial injustice in this country. But we do need to remind ourselves that so many of the disparities that exist in the African-American community today can be directly traced to inequalities passed on from an earlier generation that suffered under the brutal legacy of slavery and Jim Crow.

Segregated schools were, and are, inferior schools; we still haven’t fixed them, fifty years after Brown v. Board of Education, and the inferior education they provided, then and now, helps explain the pervasive achievement gap between today’s black and white students.

Legalized discrimination – where blacks were prevented, often through violence, from owning property, or loans were not granted to African-American business owners, or black homeowners could not access FHA mortgages, or blacks were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments – meant that black families could not amass any meaningful wealth to bequeath to future generations. That history helps explain the wealth and income gap between black and white, and the concentrated pockets of poverty that persists in so many of today’s urban and rural communities.

A lack of economic opportunity among black men, and the shame and frustration that came from not being able to provide for one’s family, contributed to the erosion of black families – a problem that welfare policies for many years may have worsened. And the lack of basic services in so many urban black neighborhoods – parks for kids to play in, police walking the beat, regular garbage pick-up and building code enforcement – all helped create a cycle of violence, blight and neglect that continue to haunt us.

This is the reality in which Reverend Wright and other African-Americans of his generation grew up. They came of age in the late fifties and early sixties, a time when segregation was still the law of the land and opportunity was systematically constricted. What’s remarkable is not how many failed in the face of discrimination, but rather how many men and women overcame the odds; how many were able to make a way out of no way for those like me who would come after them.

But for all those who scratched and clawed their way to get a piece of the American Dream, there were many who didn’t make it – those who were ultimately defeated, in one way or another, by discrimination. That legacy of defeat was passed on to future generations – those young men and increasingly young women who we see standing on street corners or languishing in our prisons, without hope or prospects for the future. Even for those blacks who did make it, questions of race, and racism, continue to define their worldview in fundamental ways. For the men and women of Reverend Wright’s generation, the memories of humiliation and doubt and fear have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician’s own failings.

And occasionally it finds voice in the church on Sunday morning, in the pulpit and in the pews. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear that anger in some of Reverend Wright’s sermons simply reminds us of the old truism that the most segregated hour in American life occurs on Sunday morning. That anger is not always productive; indeed, all too often it distracts attention from solving real problems; it keeps us from squarely facing our own complicity in our condition, and prevents the African-American community from forging the alliances it needs to bring about real change. But the anger is real; it is powerful; and to simply wish it away, to condemn it without understanding its roots, only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between the races.

In fact, a similar anger exists within segments of the white community. Most working- and middle-class white Americans don’t feel that they have been particularly privileged by their race. Their experience is the immigrant experience – as far as they’re concerned, no one’s handed them anything, they’ve built it from scratch. They’ve worked hard all their lives, many times only to see their jobs shipped overseas or their pension dumped after a lifetime of labor. They are anxious about their futures, and feel their dreams slipping away; in an era of stagnant wages and global competition, opportunity comes to be seen as a zero sum game, in which your dreams come at my expense. So when they are told to bus their children to a school across town; when they hear that an African American is getting an advantage in landing a good job or a spot in a good college because of an injustice that they themselves never committed; when they’re told that their fears about crime in urban neighborhoods are somehow prejudiced, resentment builds over time.

Like the anger within the black community, these resentments aren’t always expressed in polite company. But they have helped shape the political landscape for at least a generation. Anger over welfare and affirmative action helped forge the Reagan Coalition. Politicians routinely exploited fears of crime for their own electoral ends. Talk show hosts and conservative commentators built entire careers unmasking bogus claims of racism while dismissing legitimate discussions of racial injustice and inequality as mere political correctness or reverse racism.

Just as black anger often proved counterproductive, so have these white resentments distracted attention from the real culprits of the middle class squeeze – a corporate culture rife with inside dealing, questionable accounting practices, and short-term greed; a Washington dominated by lobbyists and special interests; economic policies that favor the few over the many. And yet, to wish away the resentments of white Americans, to label them as misguided or even racist, without recognizing they are grounded in legitimate concerns – this too widens the racial divide, and blocks the path to understanding.

This is where we are right now. It’s a racial stalemate we’ve been stuck in for years. Contrary to the claims of some of my critics, black and white, I have never been so naïve as to believe that we can get beyond our racial divisions in a single election cycle, or with a single candidacy – particularly a candidacy as imperfect as my own.

But I have asserted a firm conviction – a conviction rooted in my faith in God and my faith in the American people – that working together we can move beyond some of our old racial wounds, and that in fact we have no choice is we are to continue on the path of a more perfect union.

For the African-American community, that path means embracing the burdens of our past without becoming victims of our past. It means continuing to insist on a full measure of justice in every aspect of American life. But it also means binding our particular grievances – for better health care, and better schools, and better jobs – to the larger aspirations of all Americans — the white woman struggling to break the glass ceiling, the white man whose been laid off, the immigrant trying to feed his family. And it means taking full responsibility for own lives – by demanding more from our fathers, and spending more time with our children, and reading to them, and teaching them that while they may face challenges and discrimination in their own lives, they must never succumb to despair or cynicism; they must always believe that they can write their own destiny.

Ironically, this quintessentially American – and yes, conservative – notion of self-help found frequent expression in Reverend Wright’s sermons. But what my former pastor too often failed to understand is that embarking on a program of self-help also requires a belief that society can change.

The profound mistake of Reverend Wright’s sermons is not that he spoke about racism in our society. It’s that he spoke as if our society was static; as if no progress has been made; as if this country – a country that has made it possible for one of his own members to run for the highest office in the land and build a coalition of white and black; Latino and Asian, rich and poor, young and old — is still irrevocably bound to a tragic past. But what we know — what we have seen – is that America can change. That is true genius of this nation. What we have already achieved gives us hope – the audacity to hope – for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

In the white community, the path to a more perfect union means acknowledging that what ails the African-American community does not just exist in the minds of black people; that the legacy of discrimination – and current incidents of discrimination, while less overt than in the past – are real and must be addressed. Not just with words, but with deeds – by investing in our schools and our communities; by enforcing our civil rights laws and ensuring fairness in our criminal justice system; by providing this generation with ladders of opportunity that were unavailable for previous generations. It requires all Americans to realize that your dreams do not have to come at the expense of my dreams; that investing in the health, welfare, and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately help all of America prosper.

In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world’s great religions demand – that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother’s keeper, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister’s keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well.

For we have a choice in this country. We can accept a politics that breeds division, and conflict, and cynicism. We can tackle race only as spectacle – as we did in the OJ trial – or in the wake of tragedy, as we did in the aftermath of Katrina – or as fodder for the nightly news. We can play Reverend Wright’s sermons on every channel, every day and talk about them from now until the election, and make the only question in this campaign whether or not the American people think that I somehow believe or sympathize with his most offensive words. We can pounce on some gaffe by a Hillary supporter as evidence that she’s playing the race card, or we can speculate on whether white men will all flock to John McCain in the general election regardless of his policies.

We can do that.

But if we do, I can tell you that in the next election, we’ll be talking about some other distraction. And then another one. And then another one. And nothing will change.

That is one option.

Or, at this moment, in this election, we can come together and say, “Not this time.” This time we want to talk about the crumbling schools that are stealing the future of black children and white children and Asian children and Hispanic children and Native American children. This time we want to reject the cynicism that tells us that these kids can’t learn; that those kids who don’t look like us are somebody else’s problem. The children of America are not those kids, they are our kids, and we will not let them fall behind in a 21st century economy. Not this time.

This time we want to talk about how the lines in the Emergency Room are filled with whites and blacks and Hispanics who do not have health care; who don’t have the power on their own to overcome the special interests in Washington, but who can take them on if we do it together.

This time we want to talk about the shuttered mills that once provided a decent life for men and women of every race, and the homes for sale that once belonged to Americans from every religion, every region, every walk of life. This time we want to talk about the fact that the real problem is not that someone who doesn’t look like you might take your job; it’s that the corporation you work for will ship it overseas for nothing more than a profit.

This time we want to talk about the men and women of every color and creed who serve together, and fight together, and bleed together under the same proud flag. We want to talk about how to bring them home from a war that never should’ve been authorized and never should’ve been waged, and we want to talk about how we’ll show our patriotism by caring for them, and their families, and giving them the benefits they have earned.

I would not be running for President if I didn’t believe with all my heart that this is what the vast majority of Americans want for this country. This union may never be perfect, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected. And today, whenever I find myself feeling doubtful or cynical about this possibility, what gives me the most hope is the next generation – the young people whose attitudes and beliefs and openness to change have already made history in this election.

There is one story in particularly that I’d like to leave you with today – a story I told when I had the great honor of speaking on Dr. King’s birthday at his home church, Ebenezer Baptist, in Atlanta.

There is a young, twenty-three year old white woman named Ashley Baia who organized for our campaign in Florence, South Carolina. She had been working to organize a mostly African-American community since the beginning of this campaign, and one day she was at a roundtable discussion where everyone went around telling their story and why they were there.

And Ashley said that when she was nine years old, her mother got cancer. And because she had to miss days of work, she was let go and lost her health care. They had to file for bankruptcy, and that’s when Ashley decided that she had to do something to help her mom.

She knew that food was one of their most expensive costs, and so Ashley convinced her mother that what she really liked and really wanted to eat more than anything else was mustard and relish sandwiches. Because that was the cheapest way to eat.

She did this for a year until her mom got better, and she told everyone at the roundtable that the reason she joined our campaign was so that she could help the millions of other children in the country who want and need to help their parents too.

Now Ashley might have made a different choice. Perhaps somebody told her along the way that the source of her mother’s problems were blacks who were on welfare and too lazy to work, or Hispanics who were coming into the country illegally. But she didn’t. She sought out allies in her fight against injustice.

Anyway, Ashley finishes her story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they’re supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up a specific issue. And finally they come to this elderly black man who’s been sitting there quietly the entire time. And Ashley asks him why he’s there. And he does not bring up a specific issue. He does not say health care or the economy. He does not say education or the war. He does not say that he was there because of Barack Obama. He simply says to everyone in the room, “I am here because of Ashley.”

“I’m here because of Ashley.” By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white girl and that old black man is not enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children.

But it is where we start. It is where our union grows stronger. And as so many generations have come to realize over the course of the two-hundred and twenty one years since a band of patriots signed that document in Philadelphia, that is where the perfection begins.