A Lexicon for the Silly Season
A New Political Dictionary
entries and definitions welcome
100 years’ War - 1) the calculus of folly; the idea that if you just adhere to insanity it will all get better; 2) the confusion of one circumstance with another
109 Million Dollars - the actual wages of sin
3 Trillion Dollars – the cover charge at Club Gulf
3 AM Phone Call – something that apparently scares the bejeezus outta white people
American Idol – 1) a sign of the End Times; 2) the Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse: whatever their names are (Simon? LA cheerleader?), plus that other guy that maybe won, oh, whatshisname…
Black Liberation Theology – 1) the belief system that arises when everyone is trying to kill you; 2) crazy shit that still isn’t as crazy as the shit white people say
Bush - 1) empirical proof, at least, of devolution; 2) empirical proof, at least, of unintelligent design
Cable News – 1) the cable channel grouping of the Apocalypse
Change – what the Primary system is designed to supress
Clintonfatigue - a condition of extreme lassitude brought on by the spectacle of Imperial entitlement
Clintonausea – a far more extreme condition that causes less than half, but still, miraculously, more than enough Americans to vote for gw
Clintonesia - the inability to recall whether you were shot at
Clintonism – a carefully used phrase designed to separate you from reason, i.e. ” ‘is’ is,” or inflame the worst things about you, i.e., “As far as I know,” or, “working, hard-working Americans, white Americans”
CNN — one of the cockroaches of the apocalypse
Commander in Chief Test: Oh, don’t you wish you could devise and implement THIS little sucker? Don’t you wish we could have tests for other public figures? Supreme Court judges, Cabinet members, Senators, Representatives, talking head agenda promoting media pundits? Bloggers, hahaha?
Decider – what the deciders allow the president to call himself
Enhanced Interrogation Techniques - legal, Republican-sanctioned torture
Faith-based Initiative – 1) Republican: a transparent ploy to convince crazy-ass fundamentalists they ought to vote for you; 2) Democrat: a transparent ploy to convince crazy-ass fundamentalists they ought to vote for you
FOX News - 1) legal, Republican-sanctioned torture; 2) one of the cockroaches of the apocalypse
Four dollar gas – a misty-eyed trip down nostalgia lane as you pump SIX dollar gas
HGH – 1) CheaterJuice; 2) RapidHeal; 3) I wouldn’t actually take any, but where can I find some?
Hookergate – 1) scary repressed powerjunkie gotcha; 2) Iraqi forgetfulness strategy, 16c; 3) don’t fuck with Wall Street
Judas – alternate name for anyone with Clintonfatigue
Cut his nuts off – not explicitly forbidden by the 10 Commandments…
Knifefight – something you really should bring a gun to
Louis Farrakhan – 1) one of the lesser boogeymen; 2) an invitation to suspend all thought processes
Meme - a little cultural nugget of a viral nature. If you hear or read the words “meme” and “narrative” in the same sentence, block the site andclose your browser.
…oops.
Mission Accomplished - presidentspeak for “The beginning of a hundred years war.”
Misremembered – actually, I DO remember, but I’m lying
Misspeak – 1) lie; 2) fib; 3) prevaricate; 4) speak with forkéd tongue
Misstate – make shit up
MSM – 1) Mainstream media; 2) one of the lesser boogeymen; 3) term used derisively by bloggers to refer to writers who check facts
MSNBC – see cable news – 1) one of the cockroaches of the apocalypse 2) the only network willing to air Pat Buchanan, but no one knows why
Narrative – anything messy that doesn’t make any sense on which you can impose an imaginary structure
Obama Girl – are there auditions somewhere for an Obama Girl boy?
Private Matter; Personal and Family Matters – I’m a cheating, lying fuck and I’ll gladly destroy my family for some strange
Respectful campaign - I am going to smear you, your wife, your mother, your children, buy you a puppy and smear THAT little guy, too
Reverend Wright - Step the fuck back, motherfucker
Sniperfire – euphemism for “not a goddamn thing happened, but I’m a liar, so I’ll go all misty and maybe you won’t notice I’m as fucked up as my husband.”
Superdelegate – 1) one of the lesser boogeymen; a fearful timid creature that still might destroy the nation
Surge - let’s make some shit up, give it a name, and pay the cover charge at Club Gulf
Surrogate – people who will literally do anything; see: sociopath, liar
Tough – (See Hillary; crossreference Surrogate) psychotic inability to let go of anything
Troopergate – the way our government works; see Abramoff
Waterboarding - legal, Republican-sanctioned torture
Wide Stance – Conservative, Christian, western state male Republican for gay and loveless
“You’re doing a great job, Brownie!” will January 20, 2009 ever get here?
